Talent

What can be that wrong with me? During my montage I face a lot of momemts when I get stuck and I wonder why I am making a short personal documentary and I all the time ALL THE TIME doubt and ask for an advice In the beginning I kept my raw footage only with me and I felt safe cause then I wouldnt dissapoint anyone yet. 

I’d get the attention, the support the expectations of people about my work. I draw them the idea every time differently to each person, in a way I know they will like it, being furiously afraid that some day they will get to know what my work actually is. 

Then I started showing it to my collegues and friends, they gave me the same liking, also they all made up their own movie out of what they have seen and then when I have shown my rough cut I got a lot of confused faces 

“But why didnt you use this matherial, but why is there a black screen here? But you are so talented and you should use it all!” I myself asked for that and every time I have gotten a new opinion I add this changes and then that changes…what is so scary about admitting that it is my story and only I know how to tell it? 

What is so disturbing for me to admit that none of the peiople Ive asked can actually fully get the expirience and pains that Im trying to reliese? I hear often “You are so talented, you have something special in you” 

What this phrase actually means is “My interpretation of your ideas is exctremely satisfying to what I expect you to do” I may need this anger now, otherwise satisfying everyone is gonna become my “talent” What if we for a second think that there are no talents? 

Then what, do we actually deserve to do the things our heart beats for? Are we then finally allowed to use our intuition and trust our guts in the practice we do? Are we then deserving enough to dig the deepest we can into the things that dont leave our heart and release it at the end the way we see it despite any reactions? 

 Posting my old collage from the long times ago when my anger have been only in ripping papers